11.09.2011

A Message to My Fellow Fat Admirers


Dudes!

What up?

So, I've noticed some of my fellow male fat admirers throwing tantrums when women object to be sexualized without consent. These dudes whine about how the women are telling them aren't allowed to find fat bodies attractive.

Cut that shit out. Like now.

No one is out to confiscate your boners. Sexual attraction to fat bodies is totally awesome. There may be people out there who want to shame you for your sexuality, but its not these women. So, by all means, holster your outrage and listen up.

The issue these women are complaining about isn't sexual attraction. They are asking to be treated with respect and dignity. Try not to be shocked at this stunning request. You still get that be sexually attracted to fat women. Just, maybe respect them.

And actually, strike that maybe.

Don't act all mystified at this concept. Its possible to interact with people you feel a sexual attraction towards without sexualizing them. Sexual attraction doesn't mandate objectification. That's just you being an asshole. Trust me, I've been attracted to fat women as long as I can remember. I'm still able to appreciate context and react accordingly. Its NOT. FUCKING. HARD. I'm sick and tired of men acting like this is impossible and that people are trying to police their arousal. Are these women saying its wrong to have sexual desire for fat bodies? NO.  Its not about your sexuality. Its about THEIR sexuality. They may well be very happy to experience a fat admirer's sexual desire, but on their terms and with their consent. This isn't outrageous or obnoxious. Its their right.

I get that no one has ever told you that you should respect fat women, but you should. I get that men are often taught by our culture to sexualize and objectify women constantly, but that doesn't make it okay and it certainly doesn't make you the victim when people tell you to stop. Our culture systematically attempts to strip women of their sexual agency and men have a responsibility to do their part to stop that. Which mans starting with not doing yourself and continues with telling other men to stop doing it.

This is especially important for fat women who already live in a culture that conspires to desexualize them. They often find themselves in scenarios where they are told to choose between never being desired sexually or always being objectified sexually. That's fucked up and wrong. You should be able to know that by just basic empathy, but I'd submit that as fat admirers its in our interest to combat thin privilege and male privilege. Not just because standing with our current or prospective romantic and sexual partners on issues of basic human dignity is the right thing to do (though that really should be enough), but its in our self-interest, too. Those restricted options women face impact us, too. We are being taught that our sexuality is wrong and that if we act upon it that we are deviants. We are told we don't deserve to open, loving relationships with partners we are sexually attracted to. We are told we shouldn't date them because they are "unhealthy". We are told there must be some defect that causes our sexuality. We are being denied the opportunity to embrace our sexuality in the ways men with conventional attractions take for granted. The women who complain about objectification of fat women aren't trying to take away our sexuality, they are trying to fight for it! We should stand with them and resist those who tell us to sexualize and objectify fat women because they don't deserve better and we don't deserve better.

I know there must be a lot of questions circling your head right now. Like, "but, Brian, how will I masterbate?" First off, find someone with a hand to spare and ask them smack you in the back of the head. What did I tell you about no one confiscating your boners? I'm telling you to recognize context as an element of personal expression. Fat people have a lot of reasons to display their body that have nothing to do with your personal gratification and that's what you need to respect. Maybe its body-positive photography on Tumblr. Maybe its burlesque dance. Maybe its just going to the beach in a bikini. These things aren't done to get you off, and that's okay. You can appreciate what they are doing for what it is. You can and should support fat women being affirmational about their bodies without expecting that is being done for your limited benefit. Its okay to just say "that's beautiful". It doesn't have to be about what's going on in your pants.

And, in case you hadn't noticed (and of course you have), there are fat women who want to express their sexuality in a way which DOES consent to your sexual gratification. You are lucky in that if you want to consume pornography that you have a wealth of options that are produced and controlled by the women appearing in it. These women have a made a choice for their own sexual expression and agency. Women of a myriad of shapes, sizes, colors, ages, and even gender identity. So fucking spare me the complaints when women who don't consent take issue with being objectified. The problem is respecting their sexual agency. Objectification means you don't. Indeed, you probably specifically seek out women are not trying to express their own sexuality. Don't be that guy. Be better.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is full of win. Thank you!

denise said...

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

Anonymous said...

Um, if I weren't married, I might proposition you based on this. This is really what needs to be said. THANK YOU!

And a thank you for providing something I can share with my fatty loving artist hubby, who has a hard time understanding why his innocent compliments sometimes go awry. Context, context, context.

You rock!

erylin said...

As usual, thanks for this. Intelligence and eloquence from a strait man that fucking gets it. For once and isnt afraid to tell other guy too. /cheer

Tiferet said...

Thank you so much. I'm into lolita fashion, and lately there has been a parade of jerks stealing pictures from plus-size lolita sites to repost on their fetish boards. Those pictures were taken for the purpose of sharing fashion or sometimes even as requests for critique, not wank bait.

Jaclyn Hyde said...

OMFG YES!! it seems that people who sexualize and objectify fat women think every single woman out there on the internet who happens to be big is out there to be their personal masturbatory material. its completely untrue. we wish to empower each other, and share our own happiness and love for our bodies to inspire others to be happy with themselves, as well. we not only risk humiliation by people who steal our pictures and mock them, but we risk being disrespected by those who objectify us... we're putting a lot on the line for the sake of body acceptance and fat acceptance, so we deserve a lot of respect, but half of the time, we're not getting it. so thank you so much for posting this. we're not telling men that they're not allowed to find us attractive, we just want respect as well. its really not that hard.

pinktutu72 said...

Thank you very much :) It's nice to see a post by an intelligent man.
Karlene

Anonymous said...

You exactly said it, dude! I've had guys send me propositional messages on flickr, even though it's clear from my profile that I'm happily married and my flickr photostream has pretty much nothing that isn't fully g-rated. I mean, there are pictures of my kids there! But they want me to KNOW that they're "getting busy" while looking at my fully clothed photo. I don't want to know that. Look all ya like, but do it in a way that doesn't make ME feel like a skank.

dee.calarco said...

Cheers! Thanks for doing your part to reduce the world's net sleeze factor.

JR said...

Reading this has made my day. No, WEEK! Well said sir!

Heather said...

thank you, thank you, and THANK YOU! Fantastic post. I have this problem a lot from men since my blog is modeling based. Just because I post a photo with cleavage doesn't mean I want you to tell me your sexual fantasies. I do feel like fat women are either fetishized (how many flickr groups have I seen that are photos taken of fat women on the street without their knowledge just to be drooled over by people who love "bbw's"?) or desexualized completely.

Heather said...

as a side note- i posted this up on r/bodyacceptance (reddit) and got "you can't tell someone not to be attracted to someone else!" *repeated facedesk*

Anonymous said...

Rock on, you. It's really inspiring to hear men talking sense to other men. Thanks.

Jadelyn said...

If absolutely nothing else, the phrase "nobody is out to confiscate your boners" is going to have me giggling all weekend. ^_^

Carolyn said...

Yes, yes, yes! You fucking get it. AND you speak up about it. You're a good one. Thanks for being on our side.

Bostonian said...

I'm sorry man, but I am totally going to confiscate your boners!

Just kidding, but that was funny and put the song Detachable Penis in my head.

accalmie said...

WORD. thank you :)!

thenatural54 said...

Well said, sir. I've been preaching this for years. The challenge is that the people who really need to see your blog are still trying to pick up just.....one......more......fat girl in the local chat room.

The part that jars me most is that the actions you speak of make it difficult for the women to discern who is actually the good guy, since their guard is almost always up as a result.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You've actually given me hope that there are men in the world who won't always be (or play) stupid about this. Thanks for getting it and cogently explaining it to the rest of the fellas. I really hope the people who need to read this not only read it, but comprehend it and really stop to consider it. Powerful stuff, this is.

Anonymous said...

"No one is out to confiscate your boners."

OMG, dude, I just found your great blog and this is the funniest thing I've read today.

And it's totally the point and totally that simple. Treat people as people, not as fap material. Besides, most people? Don't care about other people boners/crushes/whatevers.

Why is that so hard to understand?

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