What I hate about me

At a discussion forum I sometimes visit, a topic had come up over women's body issues specifically dealing double chins. Specifically solicited were FA opinions. Seems the majority FA opinion is that they appreciate them but usually don't focus on them. Some, however, expressed a specific aversion to them and this just confuses me. Why on Earth would an FA have a problem with fat? Its one thing to have a physical ideal (and, yes, I will eventually discuss that after teasing it the other day; just not today) based on preferences, but one based on aversions bugs me. One reason I have no problem with the term FA is because I do find it very accurate on a basic level. I'm a fat admirer. Obviously, I'm looking for more in a relationship, but I don't like FA's who try to justify themselves by acting like thin women are fundamentally bad people. I think the less read into the preference, the better. Fundamentally, I'm attracted to fat. I don't understand how someone could have an aversion to fat as a fat admirer.

Anyway, the discussion also veered a bit into whether you could be self-accepting and have a problem with a double chin. The answer, as it so often is, is it depends. Its one thing to struggle with being fat accepting in your own life. Acceptance is always a journey. That's something I really hate when I say I'm looking for a woman who believes in fat acceptance. Some people always immediately respond by cutting me down with "you can't expect someone to be perfect all the time". I always think, "when the hell did I say anything about perfect?" I know acceptance is a struggle. Always is. What is key is not losing sight of the prize. Its not always easy. You'll have moments of self-doubt and self-hatred. Its how you respond to those moments that is important. Its okay to have doubts, but what's not okay is to be complacent in the face of those doubts. Acceptance is about challenging the voice inside that tells you to hate yourself. Not accepting the voice.

One thing that really bothers me is that people respond as if I don't have any first hand experience. I mean, I'm going through this myself. The double chin is specifically a point of real struggle for me. I still cringe whenever I see my photo with a double chin. I tell myself that its just in pictures that it comes out, that its all shadows. I hate it, but I do it. But I hate it, and that's what is important. What I really need to do is desensitize myself to seeing myself with a double chin. If I get a digital camera, I'll just take a ton of photos of myself to get used to it. That tactic helped me a lot when I first gained weight. I've always had a bit of vain streak to me, though I've always had self-esteem issues. Weird, I know. But, I looked at myself enough to start accepting what I was. Seeing something all the time can really help. I have a very large birthmark on my left-arm for instance. Goes from my palm to past my elbow. I see every time I look down. I'm used to it. I might be more self-conscious if it was somewhere I didn't deal with all the time.

But, I'm probably being too generous. The neck up poses a lot more challenges for self-acceptance. Our face is, well, our face to the world. Its definetly been my biggest obsticle to self-acceptance for plenty of reasons. I don't have a very good complexion, and though I'm largely over that, its more a matter of resignation than acceptance. I also have a couple scars on my forehead from a cat falling on my face (long story) that still bug me. I hate it, but they still bother me after 15 years or so. But I do hate that it bothers me, so that's something.